Thursday, July 27, 2006

she falls apart

Again, it's fitting that the music that strikes me seems to reflect my mood. I suppose that's how the mind works - finding ways to tell you to pay attention.

In this case I wanted to run early but DH has a to-do list a mile long before going into work which means he can't drive Pi to lax camp this morning. So instead of running when it's not quite 70 and tolerable, I have to wait around for kids and go out when it's 76 and climbing. In fact, in the half hour I was out, the temp climbed past 80.

I was supposed to do 2 miles today - it didn't happen. Yeah, yeah, a mile and a half at a 13 minute pace for me isn't shabby, but I wanted the 2 today. I realized I wouldn't make it when one major shift happened - I became aware of my ass.

You have to understand that at my size, there are certain things with which I'm comfortable in my body. Personally, I don't have a bad ass. It's big, but it's got a great shape and I'm pretty happy with it. I know it sounds kind of weird - but aren't we all like that? Isn't there that one thing you look at in the mirror and think, "Not bad..."

For me that was my ass... until today on the path. About a half mile into my run I could feel the fat on my ass shift back and forth with each stride like a wind flap or something. That had never happened before. It was strange and upsetting.

I tried to focus past it - think about breathing, every so often ask myself a question out loud to make sure I'm at a good pace, the usual sorts of things. And I would get past it for a bit and then I'd feel it. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

After a mile and a quarter, I could see the path entrance and realized I was hot, angry because of the argument with DH and unfocused. I tried to console myself saying, "Hey, you've got a two mile walk tonight with the kids." To no avail, I ditched and I'm disappointed.

Then came the next song in the shuffle - Sugar Ray's "Falls Apart."

The lyrics are as follows:

She falls apart by herself
No one's there to talk or understand
Feels sustained, dries her eyes
Finds herself, opens the door inside
People see right through you
Everyone that knew you well
Falls apart, might as well
Day is long and nothing is wasteful

BINGO! We have a winner here folks.

As soon as I come in the door DH calls out that Pi called from camp. He forgot his water bottle and his kidneys hurt - can he come home. Oh yeah, he has to "take a quick shower first" so he can get to work.

Now that he yelled out he's done, I'll go take mine, pick up Pi and head to the pedi's office.

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